Operation Scrooge: Revolutionaries Consider Executing Billionaire Egos with Holiday Psychedelics
In a holiday plot to turn the tide of the neoliberal coup for world domination, revolutionaries are reportedly considering a covert alternative to violent revolt inspired by Charles Dickens, by chemically producing “supernatural" wake-up calls for the world’s real Scrooges, the billionaires hoarding disproportionate amounts of the world’s wealth.
“It’s actually not as crazy a proposition as it may sound at first,” said one leader, speaking through a Guy Fawkes mask, “it’s actually much more humane than fighting guerilla warfare against the poor misguided police and military serving them. Much like the visions of Ebenezer Scrooge in the classic tale, we could theoretically use insider allies to dose a billionaire covertly, and then show up in costumes with footage of the little Indonesian children crying and losing limbs in their slave labor factories, and things like that.”
“Think of it as Robin Hood meets MK Ultra.”
When asked to elaborate on the rationale behind the proposed strategy, he explained, “Well, I and many others have realized that hoarding vast wealth is probably a symptom of some kind of unrecognized mental illness, and so what’s really needed is a way to cure this ‘miser complex’. We believe that by covertly dosing them with massive amounts of psychedelics, perhaps with some theatrics for added effect, we can help them to realize that happiness doesn’t come from sabotaging democracy, under-paying workers, or waging proxy wars over resources.”
When confronted with the moral dilemma of forcing a transformative experience on the unwitting tycoons, representatives shrugged it away, with one saying, “What’s your alternative? Look around, people are already being horribly subjugated, in France and Hong Kong the protests are practically shutting down the cities, and violent revolution is also spreading, all because of a few wealth-obsessed people, and the poor schmucks bribed and brainwashed into following their orders. Are you really telling me that making those delusional douchebags trip balls and face the realization that they’re an inter-dimensional spirit haunting a meat suit on a wet space rock flying through an infinite sea of mystery would be such a horrible thing, simply because they didn’t sign up for it?”
“If you want to talk ethics, how about fixing most of the world’s suffering, which can pretty much be traced back to billionaires exploiting people, without killing anyone but their epically overgrown rich-guy egos?”
There is some validity to the idea, as psychedelics have been shown to be highly effective treatments for a variety of mental illnesses. Even the FDA has called Psilocybin treatments a “breakthrough therapy.” MDMA is particularly useful for chemically producing vast, life-transforming levels of empathy, which is exactly what the Scrooges of the world need to see their connection to the rest of humanity, and the horrible consequences of their actions. “We are gathering knowledge from experts on the most efficacious psychedelic cocktail, which will certainly involve MDMA. We’ve already tested several formulas on wealthy people at Burning Man, with some promising results.”
While Dickens’s Scrooge tried to blame his supernatural awakening on an “undigested bit of beef", today’s billionaires may just find themselves wondering if they’ve eaten the wrong kind of mushrooms for dinner, and if they’ve been wasting their lives trying to take control of everything in their reality in a zero-sum game for world domination. Well, at least we can hope.
This story is Satire, Obviously. No Billionaires were dosed in the publication of this article.